


far more than enough

by pansymione



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Bisexual Regulus Black, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Child Abuse, Consensual Underage Sex, Exhibitionism, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Indian James Potter, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Outing, Paranoia, Self-Harm, The tags are not playing things down please be cautious, Torture, pansexual james potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27460900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansymione/pseuds/pansymione
Summary: Since he was a child, pain was his first and only way to cope. Then a loud, sweet kid with caramel skin came into his life and, like a domino effect, made everything worse (better).
Relationships: Regulus Black/James Potter
Comments: 12
Kudos: 150





	far more than enough

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a story about recovery. It turned out to be an angsty motherfucker with an alarming amount of smut (considering they're both horny teenagers it's really not that unusal) and a very sappy ending. The themes of this are VERY disturbing and very present, so please if you get triggered or even remotely upset by child abuse and self-harm, or are not in the right mindset to read it, it's okay to close the tab (i even encourage closing the tab). I wrote this because its cathartic to me to talk about self harm since it's a problem and a bad coping mechanism I've had for years, but not everyone is built the same.
> 
> Have a nice time reading and please mind your mental health!

He couldn’t tell you when it had started.

Since he was little, big enough to understand that somebody was yelling at him and little enough not to know what it was about, he’d bite his knuckles in frustration, blinking away big tears as they rolled down his cheeks. When he was a bit bigger and he understood that his parents didn’t truly love him (which wasn’t hard to realise, it was just a truth. Like pure blood was supreme and house elves were to be punished, Regulus was unloved) he started punching. Not people, not even his brother when he was being annoying, and not things. He’d let his knuckles graze his ribs, retract his fist and punch. Soft at first and harder with time, until he could take his full force without flinching, and finally he could breathe. His ribs ached, his cheeks stinged, but he could finally breathe, air was finally reaching his lungs and he could rest his shaky, sometimes bloodied, fists on the soft linen. Sirius would come in, scold him for “Punching the wall again, merlin Reggie, you’ll hurt yourself one day” and gently wash his hands and even tuck him in sometimes. And Regulus would smile, nod, thank him and promise to stop one day.

The first time his mother raised her hand shocked him. He had asked why pure was better, like kids do, because he was curious and liked to question everything. His mother had looked at him with scrutiny, ended dinner hastily, took him to the smelly library and closed the door. She slapped him, so hard he could hear the echo bounce around the room. It felt so different from when he hurt himself, it felt so out of control, it felt wrong. He panicked, his breath quickened, and Walburga called him a fucking idiot and left, her black heels clicking on the wooden floors. Regulus wheezed, curled up into a ball on the floor and dropped his head to the hard planks. It hurt, reverberating in his skull. So he did it again, and again, and again, until Sirius found him and cried, asking him to be okay.

From then on, Regulus was sure to only hurt himself when he was alone. At night, when ticking clocks and the leaves brushing against his window were the only thing to be heard, he’d scratch his ribs, his stomach, until he felt wetness underneath his fingernails. In the bathroom, leaning on the wall and gently, but repeatedly hitting the back of his skull, enjoying the thump and dull pain that builded up in the back of his head.

The beatings would still happen. His father used the belt sometimes. Walburga liked to hit him on the spine with any heavy book that was handy. When he did something really bad, like talk out of turn, he’d get spanked. One memorable occasion was when he asked what Christmas was, having heard someone shout about it outside, when he opened the window, even though, technically, he wasn’t allowed to do that. They brought out the cane then. The bruises didn’t heal for months.

Sirius got it as bad or even worse as Regulus, except he didn’t punish himself afterwards. Regulus did. It felt… freeing. To feel pain and be the one causing it. To control when and how he’d get it. It soothed his frayed nerves. Calmed his alert senses. It was his escape.

Then Sirius went to Hogwarts.

It was already bad enough that he was leaving Regulus alone, but he could take it. He could hide in his room, be quiet. But with the news that he was made a Gryffindor came a seething Walburga and a drinking, passive aggressive Orion. Sometimes Regulus wondered how far they’d take it. If one time the metal cane that belonged to his grandfather would break his bones. If one of the slaps his mother delivered would make him spit out a bloody tooth. If one time he’d fall into a tired, pained slumber and never wake up.

But he did. He always did and they were always there, waiting for the smallest slip up to have an excuse to beat him unconscious. Not like they needed an excuse. No one was going to raise alarm for Regulus.

Sirius cried when he saw him in june. He closed the door behind him, looked around his empty, grey room and looked at his little brother, hunched over himself with a big, purple bruise on his cheek and aching bones. Sirius sniffed, blood mixing with his tears. His face was a bloody mess, his stomach too. Slowly, softly, he enveloped Regulus in a hug, and they both wept. 

Summer was harsh. Sirius exchanged letters with his new friends (“They’re great, Reggie, you’d love them!”) and tried to do some of his homework and Regulus felt the mixture of anxiety and excitement in his stomach get worse and worse the closer they got to september. His mother often reminded him not to be a disgrace like Sirius, to make sure he ends up in Slytherin so they have at least one good child and Regulus would nod, not looking at his brother. It was easier. He didn’t have the energy to fight, he didn’t think it was smart. His body wasn’t okay, his mind was probably worse and he wasn’t a masochist (yet).

But Sirius had none of the survival instincts. He talked back, he defended his friends, Gryffindor, muggleborns. Regulus lost count of how many times Sirius got locked in the library with his parents. When they finally left, Regulus would sneak in there and help Sirius gather himself, then walk him to his room and watch him clumsily get in bed. They were quiet. They didn’t talk about it. Sometimes Sirius’ hnd would grab Regulus’ smaller one and drag him into bed with him, but they never spoke of that either.

Then September came. 

Regulus had his wand in the pocket of his trousers, pleasantly warm against his thigh. Their parents didn’t hug them; they ignored Sirius completely, but he just rolled his eyes and went off to find his friends, already smiling wildly. Regulus looked up at Walburga wearing the usual scowl on her face and tapping her heels on the pavement like she couldn’t wait for them to just leave. She looked down at him and squinted. 

“Don’t disappoint us.” 

“Oh fuck.” 

Regulus snorted directly into his boyfriend’s neck and resumed mouthing and gently biting his skin, the lovely tanned bronze reddening before his eyes. He sucked on that one spot just below his jaw that made James whimper and melt, feeling his hands tighten their grip on his waist. 

“I’m dating a vampire.” James forcibly, but gently pulled him away so they were face to face again, bodies still touching. His eyes immediately wandered towards Regulus’ red, wet lips.

“I haven’t heard you complain yet.” Those brown eyes met his and Regulus felt all of his composure evaporate. He didn’t wait one second before capturing James’ lips with his again, resting one hand on the stone wall behind him and grabbing his neck by the other, tangling his fingers into his hair. He heard him gasp when he pulled them gently, directing his head just how he wanted, deepening the kiss. James’ hands wandered on his back, grasping his shirt and Regulus couldn’t care less how messy he looked when James was doing that thing with his tongue again and his hand sneaked under the hem of his shirt to touch his bare skin, making him shudder. 

Regulus couldn’t help but smile. He was snogging his boyfriend at night in an empty corridor when they were supposed to be doing prefect rounds. James noticed the change and pulled back, his eyes wandering about Regulus’ face. He quickly kissed him again, softly, just for a second. And again, for good measure, before catching his hand, the one that was resting on the wall (more like keeping him upright) and tangling their fingers together.

“Reggie?” He asked, blushing furiously, jet black hair falling into his eyes “Can i suck you off?”

Regulus stared, dumbfounded. His hand dropped down from James’ hair and he took a step back, their intertwined hands hanging in the air. He furrowed his brows, looking down.

“I told you I don’t want to… undress. I’m not ready for that.” It was partly true, but he still gulped at the half truth. “I can do you, is that not enough?”

“It is, it really is, Reggie. I just didn’t want to be selfish.” He was blushing furiously and Regulus felt his mood pick up. “I won’t pressure you or anything, just seeing if you changed your mind.”

He definitely didn’t. If he could, he would never show anyone his scarred, hideous body, even James. Even the boy he loved so much he thought his heart would burst. 

He gave his boyfriend’s cheek a peck and dragged him to finish their prefect rounds, hands locked until they said goodnights before the Slytherin entrance.

The next day Regulus walked onto the grounds, ready to occupy his favorite place under a big tree next to the Great Lake and revise for his Potions test, when he heard his brother shout, rather aggressively: “DID YOU CHEAT ON LILY?”

He turned around to see the Marauders (merlin, how he hated that name) arguing animatedly. Or rather, James and Sirius were having a shouting match, Remus tried to calm both of them down, unsuccessfully, and Peter rolled his eyes repeatedly. Phrases like “WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER!” “YOU TOLD ME SHE WAS THE ONE AND YOU COME BACK FROM ROUNDS WITH LOVE BITES?” “SAYS YOU, WHO FUCKED HALF THE CASTLE!” to which Remus let out a very inelegant snort. Regulus nearly laughed again, when James started naming and counting people Sirius snogged, but he sobered when he noticed Peter's eyes on him. The little rat smirked and tapped Sirius’ arm.

“Wasn’t your brother on rounds yesterday?” 

Sirius finally noticed him, very much confused, and looked back at James. But instead of refusing, or really, saying anything, he stayed quiet and gaped at Regulus. 

They were fucked.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE FUCKING MY BROTHER?!”

“Sirius, shut up-” Remus grabbed his arms, annoyance clear on his face, but Sirius shrugged him off, fuming.

“And you!” He pointed at Regulus, who still stood rooted to the spot “How could you hide this from me?”

“Well it was easy since you haven’t spoken to me for two years.” he held his books close to his chest, beginning to feel uneasy. “And it’s none of your business. I’m not a kid anymore and you clearly haven’t cared in a while.”

“We weren’t fucking, too.” James finally spoke, eyes locked on Regulus “We’re dating.”

“That’s even worse.” He grumbled, upset but at least not that angry “What about Evans?”

James shrugged “When i started having a crush on Regulus-” Said boy blushed furiously “-I realised i didn’t like her that much, as more than friends. That’s literally it.”

“Still, why didn’t you tell me?” He said that directly to his brother, who scowled.

“You ignored me. Since we got back here for my third year. It’s been nearly two years of you acting like you don’t know me and you expect me to run to you the second I start dating someone?” 

“It’s because you fucking agree with them!” He walked over to him, eyes again blazing with fury “You smile and nod to all of their purist bullshit, you agree to every idea, it’s fucking sickening.”

“It’s because I don’t want to provoke them, you blubbering idiot. I don’t want to get it worse than I already do.” He whispered, looking directly into his brother’s steel eyes. “Leave me and James alone, don’t even think about us being together if it bothers you so fucking much.”

With that, he left, walking as quickly as he could to escape before anyone noticed his trembling shoulders. He was already too far to hear when James quietly asked: “What did he mean about getting it even worse?”

Regulus basically ran through the castle and bolted into the closest bathroom he could find. His breathing was way too shallow, his skin tingled in every place his skin ever broke, the walls were closing in on him and he felt so out of control. Nothing was how it’s supposed to be, they were supposed to reveal it when they were ready, on their own terms and everything went to shit so quickly, he could barely grasp what just happened. What if it gets back to his parents? What if it gets back to Snape, Lucius, Bella? What if the whole school found out by now, with how loud they were shouting? He could lose his position in Slytherin, he could get bullied, scratch that, he could fucking die if Orion and Walburga decided they’d rather have no son than a gay son. Maybe they could let him live if he promised to marry a woman? He liked women, maybe if he could just get rid of this stupid infatuation he had with James, it would be okay and maybe he’d live, he’d surivive, he’d-

He abruptly stopped when he realised he’d been scratching his wrist all this time. He closed his eyes, feeling the blood well up and drip on the stone floor of the cubicle. It felt right. He took a shallow breath, unbuttoned his pants and tugged his underpants until they revealed a milky white hip covered in criss crossing scars. The oldest were from five years ago, or at least he thought so. The newest, the red, angry ones were from last week. He realised he didn’t have his knife on him and picked up his wand, which had fallen to the floor, to summon it from his bag. And there it was, small, black and silver. It should have disturbed him to find the object so comforting, but it didn’t. It was familiar, the pain was going to be familiar. He pressed the blade to his skin, not fast or strong enough to break it, afraid of the pain. He shallowly slid it, not even making a cut, and then a bit faster, a bit stronger, until blood started welling up and the cuts became a vicious red and his heart calmed down. He always made a lot, the amount of blood staining his skin and his robes didn’t bother him. He wasn’t okay though. It helped, it was a habit (or an addiction), but he still felt that ugly fear creep in his throat and crush his windpipes. 

“Reggie?” James’ voice rang through the empty bathroom, interrupting the constant drip of blood that Regulus found do calming “I know you’re here, I checked the map. I just wanted to know if you were okay?”

Regulus closed his eyes, feeling them sting. He waved his wand and the blood disappeared. He didn’t want to heal them, so he quietly cast the bandage spell that he learned especially for that, and gathered himself. When fully clothed again, he banished the knife back to his drawer and stepped out, vaguely surprised that James was still waiting. He smiled nervously, walking up to Regulus, and grabbed his hand like it was made of glass.

“Are you okay?”

Regulus took one look at his boyfriends eyes, so full of love and concern, and something inside him broke. Tears welled up in his eyes and he looked down, shaking violently. James immediately cooed softly and took him his arms, not minding the general wetness. Regulus would have thought he’d find it embarrassing, but he should have known James was far too caring to be like that. Instead he caressed his back, gently played with his hair, just held him, until he was calm enough to look him in the eye.

“Do you want to talk?” He murmured against his ear, making Regulus shiver. He wanted to shake his head, but instead he complied. He thought James would want to sit down and look at him, but his grip didn’t loosen, so instead Regulus hid his face in the crook of James’ neck and planted a kiss. He didn’t know where to start.

“Basically, my parents suck.” He murmured, and smiled when he felt James’ chest shake a bit. “They… they never loved us, you know? I was so surprised when I saw other kids with their parents and they would get hugged, they’d be holding hands or getting a piggyback ride... Not that we left Grimmauld a lot.” He swallowed, his throat dry. “We’d get beat a lot. Still do. Sirius is mad at me because I’d rather agree with them, not make any problems and survive the summer, while he does the most to antagonize our parents and start fights. He’s not helping at all, though. Sometimes, he makes it even worse, but don’t tell him that. He wouldn’t forgive himself, it’s best he doesn’t know.”

“Okay. I’m sorry, Reggie.” His voice was soft and his breath warm against Regulus’ scalp. His arms were wrapped around his waist, head resting on his head. It was comfortable. He could have stayed like that, hugged by his boyfriend, forever and longer. He sighed, pressing possibly deeper into his chest, his arms resting between their bodies. James gently pressed his lips to Regulus' hair, just breathing in his scent. 

"I wish we could go to sleep together. In the same bed. You're a great cuddler." Regulus murmured against his sweater and felt James' chest shake again, warmth spreading through his body. He was so lucky to have him.

"Me too, Reggie. Me too."

The next few days passed in a blur of studying, getting harrassed by Bellatrix (she really just wanted someone to spend time with her willingly) and sneaking off to bathrooms and deserted alcoves to spend two minutes snogging James before they both had to attend their lessons. Regulus religiously avoided looking at the Gryffindor table at breakfast, knowing Sirius was most likely glaring at him. Narcissa was talking about this new fashion brand he had no idea about and pretending she wasn't eyeing Marlene, the blonde gryffindor chaser, while Bella was pretending to listen and glared at her toast. 

Sometimes Regulus wondered what they would say if they found out he was dating Potter. Probably nothing good, but still. Bellatrix was very… flirty, even with people from other houses, so maybe she'd just make fun of him for being a lovesick puppy and move on. Cissa was harbouring her own little crush on a Gryffindor, who also happened to be a girl and not Lucius - maybe he could blackmail her about it if she ever found out.

James would make fun of how Slytherin his thought process was, but in that moment, his paranoia came back with full force and he felt that pit in his stomach deepen. 

Who would Orion and Walburga believe? Their favourite goddaughter, or their son? 

Even if they did believe him, he'd get punished for taking up their time and spreading rumours about the Blacks. 

"Reggie, honey, we need to go or we'll be late to Potions." Narcissa smiled at him tightly, downing the rest of her milky caramel coffee in one go. She had an awful sweet tooth.

"Yeah, Reggie. Come on." Bellatrix smiled at him crookedly, yanking him up by his tie. Regulus rolled his eyes and sat up, cheeks burning crimson. "We're supposed to be making Amortentia today, I think. Or some worse version, anyways." Regulus, who still had a whole year of healing potions to get through, only nodded, briefly wondering what James would smell. He barely contained his smile when he imagined it could be him.

It would be him. There weren't many things Regulus was certain about, but James' love for him was definitely one of them. 

He said his goodbyes and headed off to Charms, alone, thinking about all the things he would smell in a love potion.

Their quidditch practice ended right before sunset, so he took a detour walk around the lake, having already showered in the changing rooms. The water was a crimson red, the sun just disappeared beyond the horizon when he ended his first lap and someone rather rudely grabbed his hand and pushed him on a tree. But that someone was James Potter, so instead of panicking, Regulus smiled and yanked the invisibility cloak off of his boyfriend, revealing a perfect, wide smile.

"We did Amortentia in Potions today. I fucked my potion up so it smelled like socks, but Remus let me smell his." He put his hands on both sides of Regulus' head, pinning him to the tree "I've been thinking about you the whole fucking day."

"Yeah? Why is that?" He smirked, pushed himself off the tree so their bodies collided and James had to grab his hips to stabilise them both. "What were you thinking about?" He whispered in his ear, enjoying how James shivered when the hot air met his skin.

"I thought about how much I want to make you whine and beg while I get you off. I want to kiss you so you have no choice but be quiet or moan into my mouth." 

Regulus squirmed, losing his bratty attitude for a fragment of a second. He felt James' hands wander along his hips, down to his legs, then grab his ass. He then grabbed his hips again and pushed him onto that poor tree.

"You're the one who can't shut up. You always have to bite your own hand when I suck you off because you'd wake the whole castle otherwise. How are you going to preach about being loud to me?" 

James took one look at Regulus' shit eating grin and cupped his half hard cock through his trousers, making him gasp in surprise. 

"Just fucking kiss me already." He gasped again, involuntarily, when James palmed the growing bulge and finally pressed their bodies together, his hand grabbing a handful of Regulus' hair. He swiped his tongue along his bottom lip, making him shiver in anticipation. 

"Fuck you." Regulus dazedly tried to frown at him, before aggressively colliding their lips together, not bothering to start slowly. James still had his fingers in his hair and tugged at them, making him gasp into his mouth. He barely noticed James' other hand traveling down, caressing his waist and his hip while they grinded against each other. James pulled away, smirked at the sight of Regulus' red, swollen lips and got closer to whisper into his ear "I'm going to get you off now. Try not to make any noise, darling."

Regulus only nodded, breathing heavily, and James' hand slowly started undoing his pants. He inhaled deeply, pushing any uneasiness away, because this was James. His boyfriend. There was nothing to be scared of. He's done a lot of things to him, it's damn time James gets the chance to reciprocate.

James mouthed at his neck, gently sucking and biting, loving how his pale skin immediately changed hue. He finally pulled out Regulus' half hard cock and stroked it slowly, listening to his boyfriend's quiet whines. Regulus threw his head back, exposing his adam's apple and James took that as an opportunity to suck on it and gently bite the skin there, bringing out a broken moan from Regulus. His hand was still working him slowly, flicking his wrist at the end of every stroke, relishing in the subtle noises it brought out of him.

"Fuck, James, fuck, fuck, fuck…" Regulus whined, his knees going weak the moment James sped up his movements. He tried to hide his face, lips parting in an attempt to moan every few seconds, barely smothering the sounds he was trying to make. James caught his mouth in his and kissed him deeply, using his free hand to tug on his hair again, when Regulus moaned loudly. Not those broken noises he hid, or whines from the back of his throat, he actually moaned, a sound that vaguely sounded like James' name. 

He pulled back briefly to whisper "I'm close." His voice broke, his eyes were shut tight and James just watched his face as he sped up his movements and Regulus came, crying out and shuddering against his mouth when he milked him through his orgasm, holding him up by his waist. 

"Oh fuck." Regulus rested his forehead against his collarbone, having barely come down from his high. "That was amazing. Why didn't I let you do that sooner?"

James snorted, taking out his wand to whisper a cleaning spell. He tucked Regulus back in, kissing his mouth softly, lazily. They kissed for a few minutes, enjoying themselves and the quiet, James holding his cheeks in his hands. He brushed his thumb along Regulus' lips, fascinated with the way they stood out against his milky skin.

"I still want to suck you off, but I don't fancy doing it in the dark next to a forbidden forest. Even when your furry problem isn't around."

James giggled, catching his boyfriend's hand. He tucked his dark hair behind his ear with his free hand, watching Regulus blush. He always blushed so easily.

"I love you."

"You fucking sap." Regulus sighed and closed the distance between them, kissing him again, just to pull away with a wet sound. "I love you too."

"Who's the sap now?"

The last month of school passed calmly. Or at least as calmly as exam weeks could get. Regulus freaked out before every single one and proceeded to ace it and finish as one of the first every damn time. He spent every spare minute with James, either just reading and sitting together or snogging near the woods. James would tease him about how loud he was that one evening just to have his neck assaulted and start whining exactly ten seconds later. All in all, Regulus had a great few weeks. He felt genuinely happy, most of the time. He still added scars to his collection when he needed to unwind before exams, but he was far too busy with his boyfriend to do it as frequently as usually.

And then school ended.

He spent the last day awfully quiet, letting James hug the hell out of him and kiss his forehead. He nearly begged him to go home with him, to stay with his parents and avoid Orion and Walburga, but Regulus couldn't. Sirius was going home, he couldn't leave him alone, especially when James was friends with them both. 

"Maybe when Sirius leaves." He'd tell him, to try and reassure him. Except if Sirius left, he'd be the only heir left. Walburga wouldn't let him leave. 

So he spent the last fifteen minutes of the ride home kissing James softly, wishing him luck with his summer job and making him promise he'd to do his homework ("It's your N.E.W.T. year, you can't slack off and barely pass potions and arithmancy again!"). James would nod and kiss him again. He didn't smile once, not like he usually did. 

Him and Sirius left the train together, walked up to their parents together and grimly said their hellos together. Walburga grabbed Regulus' arm and Orion grabbed Sirius' and they apparated, feeling James eyes on their backs.

The moment they landed in the goddamn library Walburga raised her hand and slapped him so hard he thought he had dislocated something in his neck. The slap reverberated through the empty space and Sirius stared at him in shock. Blinking away tears, Regulus needed a moment to start feeling the needling, burning pain in his cheek and jaw.

"I heard the most interesting news from our dear Bella." Walburga scowled, looking down at him, blood red lips twisted in disgust. "She said you were frequently missing. Slacking off on your studies, meeting someone. And she told me, this someone was a boy. She told me you were off somewhere being a shirtlifter instead of courting pureblood girls like we told you to, or studying. You barely attended any meetings, Regulus. Lucius told me you've been ignoring him and that slimy, weird boy since September. Tell me, why did you think, even for a second, that you could get away with all that? With displeasing me? Did you think that somehow, we would accept a homosexual into this family?" She grabbed him by the chin, his breath already shallow, hands shaking. "Did you think you could disappoint us like your brother and not face any punishment?"

He barely registered that Sirius was saying something and Orion was holding him by the shoulders. Walburga pushed him down and his knees gave in, hitting the wooden floor with a thud. She walked to the bookcase, leaving him to shiver with fear, praying to any gods who'd listen to spare him. He tried not to think of James, of how disappointed and hurt he'd be if he died. He didn't want to die. Not yet, not when he had a wonderful boyfriend who loved him and-

His thought process was interrupted when the spine of a heavy book hit the back of his head. He swayed, lights dancing in front of his eyes, but somehow stayed upright, propping himself up with his hands. Then she hit him on the back, on the ribs, on his arms. Repeatedly, she let the book fall and let gravity do most of the work, sharp angles stabbing his flesh. He didn't know how he managed not to faint, he no longer heard her words, knew that Sirius was yelling something but didn't know what, until a spell was cast over him and everything came back into focus. He cried out, feeling the pain intensify, no longer numbed. 

"This is what happens when you disappoint me." Walburga spit out, her brows furrowed and lips scowling. She pointed her wand at him, whispering the unforgivable curse he thought he'd never have to see and the world dissolves into pure pain.

He was being shredded, cut into parts, felt his muscles being torn apart like little strings, blood flow through his veins like boiling lead, knives stabbing him in every imaginable place. It felt like forever, but when it finally stopped, he was still screaming, muscles and joints moving involuntarily. His fists were clenched so tight, his knuckles were white and his muscles spasmed, everywhere. He stopped when his throat was raw and his vision blurred from his head repeatedly hitting the hard floor.

Later that evening, Sirius slid into his bed and cried, holding him tight and murmuring every healing spell he knew, wishing Remus was there to tell him everything would be okay and help him take care of his little brother. He had to get him away, somehow. They had to escape. The Potters would take them, they just had to get to the floo or take the Knight Bus, or even walk, anything. They had to get away. He had to get Reggie away from them. He spent enough years being an awful older brother to him.

He planned it all quietly, spending all his free time with Regulus, watching him sleep or stare at the wall. He had no idea what was going on in his head anymore. He didn't know if he was even sane. He was so quiet. He did get up, he went to the bathroom, he drank water and ate the bread Sirius fed him, but his gaze was so… empty.

One time, when Sirius was coming upstairs with two cups of tea and some biscuits he blackmailed Kreacher for, Regulus wasn't in bed. He heard sobbing, muffled and strangled, coming from the bathroom. He nearly dropped the mugs, set them down and ran to the bathroom just to see Regulus sitting on the floor, crying, with a blade in his hand and bleeding cuts on his left hand. Right where the dark mark was supposed to be.

After that, Sirius didn't leave him alone even for a second. He rummaged through their rooms for anything sharp and locked it all away, hid it in his own room. He changed Regulus' bandages and cleaned the cuts, he told him to eat and helped him shower. He only needed a few more days, he needed their parents to be away so they wouldn't get caught leaving. The moment they left for dinner with the Malfoys, Sirius dragged Regulus downstairs and pushed him into the fire after throwing in floo powder and saying the Potter's address.

Regulus nearly threw up when he arrived on the other side of the fire, in a cosy looking living room. He felt weak, he didn't even attempt standing up. He just shuffled away so Sirius could land safely. 

He was so numb. He still felt the pain in his fingertips, the tremors in his palms, every time he felt his thoughts wander. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Walburga's scowl and heard her pick up the fucking book. He wasn't fully aware of what was happening until someone started shouting and familiar arms wrapped around him, pulling him close to a warm body. The scent was comforting. He knew he was safe, he was okay when he was being held by James, so he finally let the walls fall. He started shaking and sobbed, quietly begging him not to leave, grasping at his shirt. 

"Reggie? Reggie, I need you to calm down and listen to me. You're safe now. You're with me, with my parents, we closed the floo and we set up the wards. They won't get you here. You're safe, I promise. Like at Hogwarts. You're safe, you're with me, with your boyfriend, okay?"

He nodded, tears still staining James' shirt. He slowly pulled away and finally looked him in the eyes. He was perfect, as always. His eyes were warm and full of concern, brows furrowed with worry. 

"Dad can heal you, he used to be in healer school. I just need you to get up and show him where you're hurt. Then we'll get you something to eat, shower and go to sleep, okay? Everything else can wait until tomorrow." James' soothing voice was enough to make him agree and nod slowly. Everything still hurt.

"Oh boy." The man exclaimed in shock when he saw Regulus, already opening his medical emergency suitcase.

"Dad." James whined, helping Regulus stand. "Do you want us to leave?" He looked at Regulus, who just shrugged, immediately wincing at the pain that came with it.

"Sirius, what happened to him?" 

"Cruciatus." He whispered, and Regulus immediately felt James stiffen.

"What?" Both of them exclaimed at the same time and Regulus looked down in shame. 

"It's okay. Could have been worse."

"How could it have been worse?! What's worse than this? Death?" 

The look Sirius gave him effectively shut him up.

"Here, this is a nerve restoring potion." James' dad handed him a purple flask "This is a pain numbing potion, I'll let it work while I examine everything else. Then we can heal the rest and see if you still actually need it."

"Okay, sir." 

"You can just call me Fleamont. Or dad. Is that too fast?"

"Definitely." James stated, blushing adorably. 

"Anyways, I need you to take off your shirt and trousers."

Regulus stiffened at that, but let James slowly undress him, first the old pajama shirt, then the cotton pants. He avoided seeing everybody's faces, his cheeks heating up with shame. Nearly all of his scars were on display. The ones on his hands, the ones on his legs. 

Fleamont didn't say a word about them, but unwrapped the bandage Sirius charmed and put some professional spells on the wounds. They immediately closed up, not leaving a trace. Then he worked on the deep purple bruises on his torso, his back. Regulus gasped when an apparently broken rib righted itself, sharp pain making him tear up despite the pain relief potion. He sat there for another fifteen minutes while Fleamont worked, looking sad and ten years older then before. James gently took his hand in his and caressed the place where the cuts used to be, looking somber. 

"I think we're done. I'll have to go to the apothecary tomorrow, but I think we have enough pain relief and nerve restoration potions on hand for tonight. You can take him." He put a hand on James' shoulder and slowly gathered his things. James nodded and looked at Regulus, gaze softening. He helped him get dressed and gently wrapped his arm around his waist to help him walk. He noticed that James' mom was also there and she was talking to Sirius in hushed tones. They left the living room behind, finally alone, and entered a bathroom. James helped him undress again, but slower this time. Regulus felt the speech coming, the one about how stupid he was too do that to himself, how he was weak and attention seeking.

But James just whispered "I'm sorry" before lightly kissing him in the forehead. And Regulus wanted to cry again, but he's had enough of that for one day, so he stood straighter and kissed James on the lips, just as softly. And then once more, for good measure.

"Shower with me?" He ignored how his unused voice cracked, instead attempting a small smile when James agreed. They turned on the showerhead and stepped inside, both naked. James didn't try to look down, instead got shampoo and gently started massaging it into Regulus' hair. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth and the feeling of love and care.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. He opened his eyes to see James' questioning gaze. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that. And making you worry."

"Reggie, I'll always worry about you. You're my boyfriend." James directed him into the water and washed out the shampoo, and then the tear stains on his cheeks. "And I love you." He added, blushing.

"I love you too." Regulus whispered back.

James carefully washed his whole body and dried him off with a fluffy towel. He got his boyfriend's big t-shirt and briefs as pajamas, but he was happy as long as it smelled like James. Then they slowly walked to his room, layed down together, maybe kissed slowly in the dark. Regulus rested his head on James' chest, taking in his smell. They were finally going to sleep together, just like he wished they did that day in Hogwarts, after the fight. He fell asleep quickly, nightmare free.

When he woke up it was still dark. He briefly wondered why he was awake so quickly when he heard muffled sobs. He opened his eyes and sat up, instinctively looking for James. He was sitting right next to him, back to the wall, hiding his crying in a small pillow. Regulus gently touched his arm, pulled the pillow away from his face.

"What's wrong?" James shook his head, tears still spilling down his cheeks. Regulus shuffled closer, put his hand to his cheek and made him look him in the eye. "Please tell me what's wrong."

"I just…" He took a breath, reaching out and yanking Regulus next to him. "You looked dead for a second. You weren't moving, the look in your eyes… I thought I was going to lose you."

Regulus sighed and wrapped his arms around his neck, letting himself be manhandled onto his lap. He hugged him, felt his arms wrap around his waist. "I'm not leaving you. You're not getting rid of me that easily." He kissed the side of his head, then pulled back. "I know I'm the basket case of this relationship, but you're important too. You can wake me up if you're upset."

James just nodded, blinking away the last of the tears, and Regulus marveled at how beautiful he looked. His eyes were glossy, cheeks pink and stained with tears, lips clearly bitten. And maybe he was too sleepy to form a coherent thought, but kissing the tears off his face seemed like a great idea, so he did that. He kissed the skin right under his eyes, then his cheeks, his nose, finally his lips. He lingered there, asking for permission, and shivered when James' tongue wet his lips. They kissed, deeply, slowly. There was a fire building in his chest, a mix of affection and arousal, deepening as they sped up, kisses becoming hungry, hands traveling. James hestitated when his hand found itself on Regulus' inner thigh, but the boy just nodded quickly and bent down to suck on his neck, pressing his hand to his lips so he wouldn't make a sound. James' hand grabbed his thigh and changed their position, sitting up straighter and making Regulus lose balance. That way, they could grind against each other, which Regulus immediately started doing, making James nearly moan out loud.

"Be quiet, the whole house will hear you." He whispered into his ear, then moved his hips again. 

"Just cast a silencing spell." James half whispered half groaned, reaching for his wand. He found it, flicked it and threw it back somewhere before focusing his attention on his boyfriend again, flipping them over so that Regulus laid on the bed and James towered over him.

"You know, actually, if we already have the charm up…" He grinned, slowly reaching for his briefs and Regulus sighed.

"You really couldn't quickly get us off? Had to take my sleep hours?"

"Mom'll let us sleep in. You went through a lot yesterday. While we're on that topic-" he stopped and slid down Regulus' boxers, then lifted his hips so he could take them off completely. Regulus gulped, wondering what he thought of the scars, but James ignored their existence and instead looked at his face "-Just how much are you up for?"

Regulus stared at him, cheeks crimson. Were they going to have sex if he agreed? Actual sex? Was he looking too much into that? Then he tried to shift and his ribs reminded him of how much pain he was still in and he sighed.

"Nothing that needs me to move around too much." 

James smiled softly, then bent down to kiss him. He laid down next to him touching his face adoringly. Regulus huffed, tried to bite him, instead ended up with James' fingers in his mouth. Seeing his boyfriend go into shock, he gently tried sucking them and James groaned. He pulled them out with a pop.

"Wow, you really liked that, huh?" he laughed, then directed his hand into his mouth again and sucked more eagerly, swirling his tongue around them, looking James in the eyes. 

"You're so hot." He murmured, then pulled his hand away to kiss him deeply, teeth clashing and tongues exploring each others mouths. James clumsily reached with his wet fingers for his dick, which he found fully hard, and traced the spit from the base to the top, making Regulus cry out into his mouth. James pulled away and smiled before moving down the bed and settling between Regulus' legs. He lowered himself down on his elbows, watched him squirm impatiently, before clumsily taking his head in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. Regulus moaned, his hips rode up and James put his hand on them, feeling the rough texture of his scars. He stopped for a second, looking up to ask for permission, but Regulus was looking away, obviously ashamed. So James did the only thing he thought appropriate - bent down and kissed the scarred skin. Every centimeter of it, he kissed with care, petting the other hip with his thumb. He looked up to see Regulus blink back tears, so he went back to trying to take him into his mouth. He only got around half, seeing as it was his first blowjob ever, but when he covered the rest with his fist and started bobbing his head, synchronizing them, Regulus just kept moaning, his hips kept jolting up, he hid his face in his arms, even bit them to be quiet. He didn't last long and came into James mouth without warning, and he may have choked a bit, but that was okay. He crawled back up and let Regulus kiss him, taste himself on his tongue. Regulus acted like it was gross but blushed even harder, his hand already drifting to James' ignored hard on. He played with him, jerking him off with fast, short movements, then stopping completely. He half crawled on him, lips next to his ear, whispering praise.

"You're such a good boy, letting yourself be teased like that." He started moving his hand slowly, sucked on his neck when he wasn't talking "You suck dick so well for a first-timer, you deserve a price, don't you?" He sped up again, watching James squirm and whine impatiently. He completely took his hand away and got busy sucking the skin below his jaw, keeping his hand on his lower abdomen so he'd stop moving. "Should I let you come? Ask like a good boy." 

James took one look at that shit eating grin and nodded, then whined "Please". That was enough for Regulus, as he started jerking him off again, whispering praise in his ear, muffling his moans with his free hand as he came hard, body tensing for a few seconds. Regulus lazily reached for his wand, found it was working nicely enough for him, and cleaned them both. James was still breathing deeply when they both dressed and layed down again, only to wake up at noon and have Sirius compliment their shitty silencing spell.

They all ate breakfast together, Regulus sandwiched between his brother and his boyfriend (he linked their ankles together under the table). James' mom called him "son" twice and his dad was infatuated with his elegant pattern of speech, which he'd lose the moment he got comfortable enough, but it was nice to see him smile, so fascinated. Sirius stared at him worriedly every five seconds and started babbling about the aurors and how they needed to report everything using his memories so they wouldn't have to go back to their parents. Regulus just nodded, not ready to breach that topic yet. He was okay in that second, he knew he would be okay in the next one, and that was enough. James was with him, Sirius was with him, they were safe. And that was enough. 

It was enough, so it was a start. And maybe recovery wouldn't be as straightforward as he would like, but at least he had a chance to attempt it.

He kissed James, tasting tea, honey and just him, his boyfriend. They smiled at each other and Sirius made a retching sound in the background.

It was far more than enough.


End file.
